The curious incident of the DVD in the daytime
by flyntoaster
Summary: Are the charecters in Death Note really how they seem? Are they calm cool and collected? the answer. NO! This is the story from another point of veiw, including charecters too strange for any normal person to bear!
1. A case of mistaken Identity

**DISCLAIMER:** I do not own any of the death note characters or have anything to do with their creation. I'm just making a parody. and any unnecessary randomness is just a by-product of liver disease.

**Chapter 1: A case of mistaken identity**

Mom: Good morning Light. Are you ready to have my homemade breakfast of blueberry pancakes and bacon in bed?

Light: $#$&

Mom: I love you too. But you really need to get up.

Light: &#&$#$! slams door in mom's face. followed by a large crash of the tray

Mom(muffled): okay I'll make you a something else. it's fine honey, every one knows kids these days are on those ………..erm……"Quaker oats diets"…….

Light: &#! walks down stairs and sits at the table

whats-her-name: you think your sooooo special don't you

Light: wait…who are you?

whats-her-name: I'M YOUR SISTER!

Light: I have a sister?

whats-her-face: shut up you attention hogging, over achive--

Mom: Breakfast is ready Light and……..um have we met?

whats-her-name: I'VE BEEN LIVING HERE FOR 14 YEARS!

Mom: what ever. here's you oatmeal light.

Light: grunt

whats-her-name: where's mine!

Mom: oh yeah here's yours throws bowl on table

whats-her-name: it looks like it was left out in the rain

Mom: Oh it was. I had to make room for Light's portion on the stove, so I put yours on the window sill

whats-her-name: but it has dirt in it!

Mom: I also must have dropped it a couple of times……….

Light: This tastes like garbage! I'm going to school, where once again I am unavoidably smarter than everyone else in the county including here. leaves and slams door

Mom: have fun light! I love you!

whats-her-name: I'm leaving too

Mom: good riddance, it's good that your actually doing for something for once, you should be more like your brother.

whats-her-name: you know what. mother. I'm not even going to answer that. AND I'M MOVING AWAY AS SOON AS I'M 18 AND NEVER COMING BACK! slams door

Mother: oh drat there's a spot on that glass door, I'd better clean that.

**latter that day……..**

Light: I'm really bored. I wonder what I can do that's destructive as possible and throws the universe permanently out of balance.

Teacher: Light are you paying attention?

Light: of course not you idiot

Teacher: EXCELLENT MY 110 STUDENT!

Light: I'm going to skip class to go down town and rent a movie

Teacher: okay just bring me back some popcorn

Light: they sell popcorn's in _theaters_ not video stores

Teachers: scratch that then, get me some Gummy Bears

Light : what ever. pulls fire alarm indoor sprinklers go off

class: AHH THE SPRINKLERS! THEY BURN!

Teacher: okay class! this is a great opportunity to study the water cycle! that light always thinking of others! I should raise his grade some more!

class: &#!

**later still Somewhere in Boston……..**

Random Bostonian: Welcome to Boston light!

Light: How the heck did I get to Boston?

Random Bostonian: I have absolutely no idea! But isn't it great here!

Light: No

Random Bostonian: Lets go on the Boston History tour and get a slushy!

Light: get away from me……. I'm going back to Japan.

Random Bostonian: O come on it'll be fun! pinions light to his side

Light: I hate you

Random Bostonian: TAXI! OH TAXI!

taxi # 1: whoosh!

taxi # 2: whoosh!

taxi # 3: whoosh!

Light: pushes random Bostonian into the path of taxi # 3

taxi # 3: HEY! why me! do I look like I harbor annoying tourists!

Light: well running him over isn't exactly harboring him……..

Random Bostonian: HEY READ MY TITLE DO I LOOK LIKE A TOU-

taxi # 3: SCREEEECH! CRUNCH!

Light: Thank you taxi # 3 thank you! I thank you and the world thanks you!

taxi # 3: your welcome light! just remember to initial in all the right places! up up and Re-max away! flies away

Light: I need to stop eating Styrofoam peanuts…..

**So much later that it shouldn't even be qualified as the same day……**

Light: walks through door and into video store

Light: why am I moving around so much? and how did I _finally_ get to the video store, with out even getting on a plane? I CAN'T FLY! or swim…….

Stan: stop asking so many stupid and unnecessary questions!

Light: and who _are _you dare I may ask?

Stan: I'm Stan the video store guy

Light: well why isn't your title "Stan-the-video-store-guy" I mean no one will be able to tell who you are.

Stan: well excuuuuuuuse me for having a life outside the video store!

Light: well I thought it was a regular rule like "what's-her-name" or "random Bostonian"

Stan: look do you want to rent a video or not?

Light: yes I do thank you

Stan: I recommend this one throws black plain DVD at light's head

Light: ouch. and isn't this a spiral bound note book. and really how did I get here?

Stan: oh mister cynical now are we? GET OUT OF MY STORE!

Light: fine. touchy touchy.

**Back at the House…………**

Light: CAN'T I STAY IN ONE PLACE FOR AT LEAST 5 MINUTES!

Stan: Your telling me! I didn't choose to go here!

Mom: Hey uncle Stan it's about time you came for a visit.

Light: I have an uncle?

what's-her-name: yeah light, just like you have a sister.

Light: I have a-

what's-her-name: oh don't even say it, Mr. Oblivious. No one knows who I am or cares! I HAVE A NAME! I HAVE A NAME!

Light: which is…………

what's-her-name: It's…….it's……erm…gosh dangit!

Light: short (and very smart) attention span waning

Stan: oooo look a fly

what's-her-name: why do I even bother storms off

Light: what's bit her biscuit?

Mom + Stan: no idea

Light: so anyway where's dad?

Mom: ummmmm……..

**Flash back….**

Light: ERRRG! ALL THIS MOVING IS MAKING ME NAUSEOUS !

Mom: shut up your not even in this flash back

Light: what ever

**The same flash back re-done…………**

Mom: hey honey could you help me hang up all Light's straight A report cards on the wall?

Dad: sure

5 hours later……

Mom: 500 more and still going strong!

Dad: gasp gasp gasp

Mom: here tack up this 400 pound one

Dad: agh! my heart! dies

Mom: oh dear!

**end of flash back..**

Mom: so that's how it happened dear…I'm so sorry sniff sniff umm….light?

Stan: he already went up stairs. yum Oatmeal.

Mom: Is that Lights oatmeal?

Stan: ………

Mom: give me that!

Stan: umm LOOK AN IDIOT!

Mom: where?

Stan: hides in closet

**Upstairs…(for lack of anything better to say)**

Light: why won't this $#!&$# DVD fit into the DVD player! hits DVD player causing it to spark

Ryuk: hey buddy your hair is on fire

Light: what AHH! MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR!

Ryuk: throws water on light

Light: (now dripping wet) did you come out of the TV?

Ryuk: nooo

Light: then are you a stalker…

Ryuk: Okay then let's go with the TV theory

Light: ………AHH SAMARA!

Ryuk: NO NO!

Light: NO WONDER YOU BROKE MY DVD PLAYER! YOU EVIL LITTLE GIRL! chases Ryuk around with lamp and wacks him with it

Ryuk: GAAAH!

And so the chase continues…..and continues….and continues…….

Light: gasp My gall bladder

Ryuk: gasp my spleen

Light: if you were samara then you would have killed me by now wouldn't you?

Ryuk: you really are a genius

Light: are you being sarcastic

Ryuk(oozing sarcasm): of course not

Light: okay then just making sure. but who are you?

Ryuk: I'm a shinigami, a death god so to speak, you've found the "Deathnote" so I came to watch you reek havoc

Light: Death note?

Ryuk: you've already used it haven't you.

Light: erm…well…yeah

Ryuk: were going to have a flash back now aren't we

Light: yeah……sorry

Ryuk: It's quite alright, this is all just a case of mistaken identity

Light: It's amazing you managed to fit that theme in at all

Ryuk: I know. I'm good.


	2. Skittles

((sorry folks for the lack of signs durring actions but i had a malfunction and computer wouldn't let me edit but went ahead anyway --;;;))

**Chapter 2: skittles**

**Flash back………**

Light: so this exlains where I was before I got to Boston…

Mom: HONEY STOP RUINING THE FLASH BACKS!

Light: fine

Flash back re-done _again_……….

Light: whistle walking to the video store la la la la la la la la la la la la. hmm I'm hungry why don't I go into this conveniently placed convenient store.

Small-store-clerk: (mono tone) hello and welcome to generic store

Light: ignoring dude buying skittles eating skittles

Guy-outside-window: HEY LADY COME BACK! YOU DIDN'T PAY FOR YOUR NEWS PAPER! chases lady

lady: hey stop sexually assaulting me!'

Guy-outside-window: I'm not you didn't pay

Lady: AIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE! beats stuffing out of guy HELP ME HELP ME

Light: yum skittles

5 min later….

Light: maybe I should do something

5 more minutes later…….

Light: something still isn't right. oh well

10 minutes later……..

Light: I guess I could write his name in the DVD…sigh but it would place a precarious hold on my scrumptious bag of skittles..

Light: writes "Guy-outside-the-window" in death note and drops skittles all over the floor

Light: $#&&!

Guy-outside-the-window: GAH MY HEART! dies

Small-store-clerk: OMIGOSH!

Light: I know I can't believe that's actually his name!

Small-store-clerk: faints

Light: goes over and steals small-store-clerk's wallet walks out of store

Lady: are you eating skittles?

Light: um….no

Lady: yes you are

Light: this is a new kind of pesticide

Lady: really

Light: no

Lady: then give me those skittles or I will punch you

Light: why should I?

Lady: punch

**Later in an ambulance…….**

Mom: Oh my gosh honey SPEAK TO ME!

Light: cough closer

Mom: yes yes what is it?

Light: closer

Mom: yes

Light: closer

Mom: if I moved any closer we would be sharing the same organs.

Light: need….need…

Mom: what do you need?

Light: need to….need to

Mom: WHAT?

Light: need to...stop changing locations!

Mom: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

**End of flash back……**

Ryuk: that's pretty pathetic

Light: yeah I know but that's not the worst part

**The tallest mountain of the tallest cliff of tippy toppiest peak in Mongolia……….**

Monk: chant

other monks: chant

other-random-monk: bangs gong

Small-store-chief-monk: Thank you my most humble brothers for joining us today in the worship of the most sacred sky spectacle THE RAINBOW!

monks together: bows low

Small-chief-monk: The small round givers and takers of life have preformed yet another miracle!

all monks: gasp

Small-store-chief-monk: They were dropped yet again causing a whole herd of goats to stampede off a cliff only to land in a new and greener patch of grass!

all monks: GASP!

Small-store-chief-monk: ever since that first fateful day when I witnesses the skittles drop to the ground and purge the world of an evil man, I have vowed to spread the word of their power!

Small-store-chief-monk: Bring in the non-believer!

Non-believer: HEY LET GO OF ME!

Small-store-chief-monk: not until you admit the great and holy power of the round ones

Non-believer: The dropping of those skittles had nothing to do with the re-election of Mitt Romeny!

Monks: BLASPHEMY!

Non-believer: It's true he just has connections with the Chicago mob!

Small-store-chief-monk: (in case you hadn't noticed Mitt Romeny lives in New Hampshire)

monks: all glare at Non-believer

Non-believer: umm…ALL HAIL THE MOST POWERFUL ROUND ONES! bows down hurriedly

Small-store-chief-monk: It's to late now…turn on the radio!

Non-believer: NO ANYTHING BUT THAT!

monks: switch on radio

(southern drawl) Aye have recently had' the pleasur on September Fourth of standin' in the ruins of 9/11 and looking at the wreckage those muslim's cuase'd!

Non-believer: AHHHHHH! MY EARS THEY BLEED!

Shakin' the hand of a brave gentl' man whose hand was dang durn cut off by Saddam Hussain, was one of the most proudest moments in all my presidency!

Non-believer: MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP!

For all you good'in American little boys and girls stay away from those muslim's they be bad for ur cholesterol

Little boy: why Mr. President would you want to be so racist, cruel, and cold hearted?

…………..

Non-believer: well now that's a bit better

CAUSE IT'S THE JOB OF THE AMERICAN PEOPLE SUNNY!

Non-believer: SOMETHINGS WERE NOT MENT FOR MORTAL EARS! GAAAAAAAH! turns to ashes

Monks: ……………………

Small-store-chief-monk: …………………

random-monk: aren't we supposed to be _peaceful _monks?

Small-store-chief-monk: yeah…..umm… LET'S GO GET SOME PIZZA!

monks: ALRIGHT!

all monks: stampede

**A few minutes later…….**

pile-of-ashes: well at least I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico…..

Light: shut up, no one cares

pile-of-ashes: how the heck do you even get here?

Light: that's what I keep telling everyone one! I think I must be trapped in some sort of "location moving time paradox"

pile-of-ashes: shut up, no one cares

Light: gets out broom and chases pile of ashes

pile-of-ashes: AAAAAAAAAAAH!

Light: HEEEEEEEEEEEYAAAAAAAAAA!

**The _Real _Ending of the Flash Back….**

Ryuk: well I'm glad I showed up when I did, seeing how things have gone so far

Light: grumble grumble

Ryuk: but we should get that "location time paradox" thing checked before we start doing anything, I don't want you screwing around with space and time _with _the death note. The last time some one did that it resulted in the creation of Michael Jackson!

Light: crunch

Ryuk: are you even listening to me?

Light: yum skittles


	3. I should have switched to Geico!

okay the lack of astrixes is _really _annoying. so just for the record all previous actions were supposed to have little stars around them. from now on I use "parentheses" (which are not half as good) DARN! I'm using them --;;;

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Disclaimer: I don not sadly own any of the death note characters or have anything to do with their creation. But I _do _own Angelina Joe Lee and Jude Law (who cares how their names are really spelled)

Angelina Joe Lee + Jude law: HEY THERE SHE IS! the little twerp that bought us on ebay and embezzled a whole bunch of our Money!

Me: umm….uh oh (runs away very fast)

Angelina Joe Lee + Jude law: GET HER! (beats the stuffing out of me)

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Chapter 3: Dang! I SHOULD HAVE SWITICHED TO GEICO!

(with special guest appearances by Angelina Joe Lee and Jude law)

Ryuk: okay were here to see a specialist

Light: isn't this a used car lot?

Ryuk: er..no

Light: hmmm…..OKAY!

Light: come to think of it where are all the specialists? this is emptier than a bush pep rally

Ryuk: they're all on….vacation?

Light: oh I would have never guessed

Ryuk: uh yeah…lets just go inside….really fast

Light: good idea, I see a vending machine!

Ryuk: yeah sure, whatever

**Inside……**

Ryuk: oh yeah I see what you mean, you do move around a lot

Light: finally! someone who understands!

Ryuk: yet suddenly I don't care, common the erm..office is over here

Light: this really does seem familiar, almost like I've been here before…….

**Flash back……………..**

Mom: okay honey I'm going to go talk to the nice man about getting a new car, you stay right here with your coloring book and be a good little boy.

Little-light: okay mommy

Mom: now bye bye time

Little-light: bye bye

Mom: (walks over and talks to guy)

little-light: (gets bored and walks over to the car)

little-light: this is a happy car..i like this car..it so shiny……so very shiny

**a few yards away and a few minutes later……**

Mom: blah blah blah blah

Car-Guy: blah blah blah blah

Mom: OMG! MY 4 YEAR OLD SON IS DRIVING THAT MINNIE VAN!

Little-Light: Look Mommy! I'm driving just like you and Daddy!

Mom: OMIGOSH! IS THERE ANY THING WE CAN DO TO STOP HIM! HE'S DRIVING SO FAST! and what kind of an IDIOT CAR DEALER SHIP LEAVES THE KEYS IN THE IGNITION!

Car-Guy: umm well we are "Idiot-Car-Dealer-ship"

Mom: (smacks head with hand) well isn't there anything we can do to stop him?

Car-Guy: no I'm afraid the only thing we can do is watch. watch and cower is fear.

Mom: BUT LOOK UP IN THE SKY! IT'S A BIRD!

Car-Guy: IT'S A PLANE!

Mom: NO IT'S- wait it is a plane. drat

Car-Guy: well the car has to run out of gas eventually

**eventually……**

Mom: okay it still hasn't run out of gas but maybe we can get him to crash and that will stop him

Car-Guy: good idea. HEY KID! AIM FOR THE TREES!

Little-Light: hey mister car-guy! hi mom!

Mom: hmmm..HEY LIGHT THE TREES WILL GIVE YOU ICE CREAM IS YOU TAG THEM WITH THE CAR!

Little-Light: ICE CREAM! (SCREEEEEECH! CRUNCH)

**end of flash back….**

Light: we need to get out of here! this is a baaaaaaaaad place

Ryuk: sure, sure just pull over here

Light: how did I end up driving a hummer?

Ryuk: ummm… buying a hummer is the perfect cure for a time paradox?

Light: you signed my name on a contract while I was flash backing didn't you

Ryuk: noooo

Light: (glares)

Ryuk: fine, BUT IT HAS CUP HOLDERS! I WAS WEAK!

Light: well at least I have the intelligence to scam a bunch of innocent people out of their money, and if that doesn't work I'll scam my car insurance agency.

Ryuk: (rolls down windows and turns up radio)

Light: LOOK UP IN THE SKY!

Ryuk: IT'S A BIRD!

Light: IT'S A PLANE!

Ryuk: NO IT'S ANGELINA JOE LEE…..and some other guy

Angelina Joe Lee: (floats down in parachute into moving hummer)

Scottish-dude: (parachutes down and lands in moving hummer)

Ryuk: omigosh it's Angelina Joe Lee!

Light: and who's that loser?

Scottish-dude: I'm Scottish

Angelina Joe Lee: He's-

Ryuk: lemme guess, boy toy?

Scottish-dude: I'm Scottish!

Light: I think that speaks for itself (snicker)

Angelina Joe Lee: be quiet he's my lackey, that's the only reason you deal with light Ryuk! every main character needs a quirky side kick to do all the back breaking manual labor.

Light: HEY!

Ryuk: you've got a point

**In the jungle…….**

Angelina Joe Lee: so anyway this is our plan, we are after the sacred archive, we must keep it safe, we travel into the deepest vessels of Africa to rescue it, the balance of the world rests in our hands!

Light: why?

Ryuk: zzzzzzzz

Angelina Joe Lee: because I'm awesome and I say so

Light: that's not a good reason

Angelina Joe Lee: (brandishes skittles in front of Lights nose) oh really because that's not what Mr. bag of Skittles says

Light: god I hate you (grabs skittles)

Ryuk: I just want to be there to watch Light die. I'm in.

Angelina Joe Lee: excellent (takes out lots of fancy guns) we're ready

Scottish-dude: I'M SCOTTISH!

Everyone else: ………..

**In some random really tattooed African village mountain with a name you couldn't ever hope to pronounce……..**

Light: can't…breathe….artillery….crushing…..body

Ryuk: need…..apples….can't…go…on

Light: your..not..even..holding…anything…I have all your stuff!

Ryuk: when you need an apple you _need_ an apple

Angelina Joe Lee: Suck it up boys, only 5 more miles of rugged mountain terrain to hike up (jogs up ahead)

Light: that's easy…for you…to say….you have…Scottish...boy.. carrying…all..your stuff

Scottish-dude: (gasp)I'm (gasp)(gasp) Scottish

Light: OH FOR THE LOVE OF ! IF YOU SAY THAT ONE MORE TIME I'LL….I'LL…

Ryuk: It's okay light I've got this one (holds gun in Scottish-dude's face) Look it's shiny, it shoots out candy when you press this little button (points to trigger)

Scottish-dude: ooooo

Light: oh common what's that gonna do, no ones that stupid

Scottish-dude: (BANG!)

Ryuk: problem solved

Light: yes, but again to more pressing matters. why couldn't we just _ride_ the hummer up the mountain?

Angelina Joe Lee: because…….because….LOOK A RHINO!

Light: GAH RHINO! (falls off cliff into hole with lots of sharp pointy rocks covering him)

Ryuk: Light this is no time to be resting

Light: mmmmmmmhhhpppmmm!

Angelina Joe Lee: By joe I think he found the lost temple holding the archive!

Ryuk: GOOD JOB LIGHT!

Light: (bleeds)

Ryuk + Angelina Joe Lee: (leave stuff up on ledge and go down to dig out Light)

**In a dark spooky cave! OOOOOOOH! SPOOKY! **

Light: wow this _is_ spooky, yellow and blue totally clash!

Ryuk: tell me about it

Angelina Joe Lee: (hits both of them in the back of the head and stares up at the structure)

Angelina Joe Lee: this is the most perplexing ancient temple I've ever seen!

Light: what! you've never seen a Generic-Video-Store before?

Angelina Joe Lee?

Ryuk: It's a _video store_

Light: you rent _videos_

Angelina Joe Lee: what's a video?

Light: ……….

Ryuk: ………..

Angelina Joe lee: gosh I have been spending too much time with………wait I never even knew his name…

Light: some questions aren't meant to be answered….let's go inside

**Inside……**

Stan: hello welcome to generic-video-store

Light: STAN!

Stan: LIGHT!

Stan + Light: (huggles)

Angelina Joe lee: excuse me, you must be the local village idiot, do you have any helpful hints to find the sacred archive?

Stan: (glares)

Light: yeah he probably does

Stan: (sighs)

Ryuk: Hey I found the archive (holds up Exercise video from the back of the store)

Angelina Joe Lee: YES YOU'VE FOUND IT! YOU'RE A GENIOUS!

Light: but this a mike Tyson video?

Angelina Joe Lee: yeah I've been needing to work on my glutes.

Ryuk: yet another pointless exercise

Stan: (falls over and laughs)

Light: no but this is mike Tyson! M-I-K-E T-Y-S-O-N doesn't anyone else find that creepy!

Angelina Joe Lee: and one and two and one and two and one and two

Light: (cries)

Jude Law: Hi! every body!

Ryuk: JUDE LAW!

Angelina Joe lee: why the h&$# are you here? I'm the celebrity guest!

Jude Law: because I have to be in every movie!

Stan: this isn't a movie? (microphone swings down from the ceiling and wacks him) OUCH!

Ryuk: well that explains a lot….

Angelina Joe Lee: hey where'd pretty boy go?

Jude Law: (from down at the bottom of the mountain) MUHAAAAA AWESOME A HUMMER! (drives away)

Light: (sprints down the mountain) COME BACK WITH MY HUMMER YOU GIRLY MAN!

Jude Law: AGH MY HEART! (dies) (hummer crashes and explodes)

Ryuk: LIGHT WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR!

Stan: LIGHT YOU JERK! I WAS HIS BIGGEST FAN!

Angelina Joe lee: YAY! uh I mean OH NO!

Light: (sobs) my hummer (sobs) I swear I didn't do anything. I left my death note at home (sobs) MY HUMMER! (sob) (sob) (sob)

Ryuk: If you didn't then who………

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next time: who killed Jude Law? IS THERE ANOTHER KIRA! WILL LIGHT HAVE BREAK IN AND STEAL MONEY FROM AN OLD WOMEN! TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR ANOHTER ABISMALLY STUPID EPISODE OF "the curious episode of the DVD in the daytime"!


End file.
